Trees barren in this moment of clarity
A black sky littered with with puffy specs of gray
And a wind chill that raises the hair on your neck
And they break,
Not the branch from the tree,
Not the bursting of water from a spec of gray
But my thoughts.
They spill all over the ground as if my mind had evaprated
They ooze from every crevice of my body.
My pores expand and invisible words seep out with no restraint,
And I am left empty.
Those things that haunted me finally escaped me.
A moment that I had been waiting for,
I was clear, transparent;
A clean, yet blank, space.
But without those thoughts I was left with no reason to move.
I was paralyzed because nothing was pushing me
What is a breeze that does not cool,
What is a tree with no branches,
And what is man with no thoughts that keeps him running?
Not from his inner thoughts,
But running to that place,
That place breaks those thoughts that haunts him…
So I woke up today with a hangover from the nothingness I did yesterday. Ready for yet another day to do, Nothing. Sitting on the couch, watching the same set of movies I watched yesterday, it hit me. It hit me hard. What am I doing? What advances have I made? What advantage am I, Cameron McCarty, making of the ability to do nothing? These are the set of questions that I have been waiting to ask myself for the past five months. In every moment that I want to dive into a pastime or an activity of pleasure, that thing called “school” knocks at my mind’s door and takes residence. But now, today, I can have my way with her.
I began to make my stance; taking control of this space in time that I can indulge my inner thoughts into. I grabbed my computer and started, but where? Hell I have an account on about four blog sites, five pictures that need editing, three songs that need to be wrote and two that need to be recorded, three unfinished poems, two videos that need splicing and two that need recording, and my guitar has called my name for the last week with no answer from me. And there it begins…. The mind of an artist full of thoughts encompassed in a paralyzed body due to a frustrated nervous system. My mind has never been able to tell my muscles what to do first, so nothing gets done. Its the story of my life…….
Today, Nov. 25, 2011, will be different. I started a NEW blog on WordPress and deleted the others….. And then there were two, Tumblr and WordPress, both of which have a post on today.
Then I cooked, cooked some of my, CAM’S, homemade soup. Cooking, a much needed action that I have neglected myself of for the last three months. It was scrumdiliricious, to me!!!!
Feeling a little anxious, I had to DO something. More than sit at a computer, and more than stand in a kitchen. Today was a day to make the use of the time I had been neglected! I got down on the floor and did 5 sets of 30 push-ups and it felt good. I hadn’t lost what I thought was gone, I just didn’t remember where it was. Then I got out of the house and ran 1.5 miles, and it felt even better. Yea, my head hurt a little and my legs were a little sore, but I made it, no stopping, no quitting, I made it. My body was yearning what busyness had deprived it of.
Now as I write this post my mind is rejuvenated and my body is ready for another beating. Not everything was done and not everything will be done, but I am satisfied. Satisfied with the simplicity of time. I did what I could while I could. Nothing and no one on my mind but time.